Why do we hurt the ones we love?

Why do we hurt the ones we love?


Why do I hurt the ones I love?
That is the real question.

It seems lately that I have been hurting those that I care about the most. A quick Google search for “Why do we hurt the ones we love” yields 1,450,000 results. A few more than I can weed through in a day. At least the sheer number of hits gives me some comfort in the fact that I am not alone. However, I do feel alone. I feel ashamed and weak. I feel like I have let everyone down, failed those that counted on me the most, needed me the most, and in turn I failed myself.

I haven’t lived up to their expectations, my expectations, and it seems I can’t. It feels like I have failed everyone, God, family, friends and me. They all deserve better.

When I sit back and think about it, I guess I haven’t been myself lately. I am stressed at work, church, and at home. I have lost my patience and things that don’t really matter send me over the edge. Things that matter a lot don’t seem to give me the same enjoyment, happiness or balance that they used to.

The other night my 4 year old was talking in bed, wouldn’t stop, so I hit him with the pillow. The look on his face was total shock. He was scared and almost crying. It didn’t physically hurt him but I could tell it hurt him. I won’t forget it. That isn’t me, that isn’t the dad I want to be, that isn’t what he deserves.

It seems like this is a nightly routine, I get home, sometimes I'll eat, and yell at the kids to do their homework, eat their dinner or pick up their things. Then it is a rush to get them into bed, more yelling and scolding. Brush your teeth, get your pajamas on, you don’t need another drink, why didn’t you go to the bathroom before, you just went to the bathroom, you don’t need medicine, get back in bed, this music is fine.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Dad snaps.

Sure I provide the money for them to do things, to have things that I never had, but in the end all of it will matter very little if they don’t know I love them, don’t feel like they can come to me to talk about anything, and hate me when they are older. What kind of a life is that? They didn’t sign up for this. They wanted something better, deserved something better. They deserve a good dad.

Finally I get to sit down with my lovely wife, who really is the best part of me. She is smart, funny, beautiful, fit and a great mom. She cares about our family, others and me. Of all the people that I know, she deserves the best! I should tell her that, should tell her she is the best! But I fail in that too. I assume she knows how much I love an appreciate her. It seems actions do speak louder than words, and my actions haven’t sent the right message. What does she have after years and years? She has a husband that lets her down and expects too much, a string of broken promises and heartache. She is tired, under appreciated, over taxed and expected to work miracles. She didn’t sign up for this either. She deserves a partner, a lover and a friend. She deserves a better husband.

I remember in High School, one day for some reason something happened and I made fun of my best friend for something. I was teasing, joking and didn’t mean anything by whatever stupid comments I made. I realize that it hurt our friendship. It was different after that, because you aren’t supposed to do that to those you love and care about. Now I am knocking on the door of my 20 year reunion. I haven’t spoken to him in at least 10 years probably 12 or 13. I was a jerk and lost a friend. It wasn’t fair, it was stupid, and he deserved a better friend.

I am expected to be with it, on top of things, the life of the party. Things usually work out because I have always made them work out. I have helped friends, loved ones and strangers. I try to be a good person. But in the end will any of that really matter if I disappoint my own friends and loved ones?

Why can’t I fix me?

Everyone, I am sorry and I will try better, no not try, I will do better. I have to because if I don’t then the things that matter most to me will be gone.

I don’t want to wake up one day sad and alone.

You all deserve a better friend, dad and husband.

Stick with me I am not there yet!

N.B.