Why do we hurt the ones we love?

Why do we hurt the ones we love?


Why do I hurt the ones I love?
That is the real question.

It seems lately that I have been hurting those that I care about the most. A quick Google search for “Why do we hurt the ones we love” yields 1,450,000 results. A few more than I can weed through in a day. At least the sheer number of hits gives me some comfort in the fact that I am not alone. However, I do feel alone. I feel ashamed and weak. I feel like I have let everyone down, failed those that counted on me the most, needed me the most, and in turn I failed myself.

I haven’t lived up to their expectations, my expectations, and it seems I can’t. It feels like I have failed everyone, God, family, friends and me. They all deserve better.

When I sit back and think about it, I guess I haven’t been myself lately. I am stressed at work, church, and at home. I have lost my patience and things that don’t really matter send me over the edge. Things that matter a lot don’t seem to give me the same enjoyment, happiness or balance that they used to.

The other night my 4 year old was talking in bed, wouldn’t stop, so I hit him with the pillow. The look on his face was total shock. He was scared and almost crying. It didn’t physically hurt him but I could tell it hurt him. I won’t forget it. That isn’t me, that isn’t the dad I want to be, that isn’t what he deserves.

It seems like this is a nightly routine, I get home, sometimes I'll eat, and yell at the kids to do their homework, eat their dinner or pick up their things. Then it is a rush to get them into bed, more yelling and scolding. Brush your teeth, get your pajamas on, you don’t need another drink, why didn’t you go to the bathroom before, you just went to the bathroom, you don’t need medicine, get back in bed, this music is fine.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Dad snaps.

Sure I provide the money for them to do things, to have things that I never had, but in the end all of it will matter very little if they don’t know I love them, don’t feel like they can come to me to talk about anything, and hate me when they are older. What kind of a life is that? They didn’t sign up for this. They wanted something better, deserved something better. They deserve a good dad.

Finally I get to sit down with my lovely wife, who really is the best part of me. She is smart, funny, beautiful, fit and a great mom. She cares about our family, others and me. Of all the people that I know, she deserves the best! I should tell her that, should tell her she is the best! But I fail in that too. I assume she knows how much I love an appreciate her. It seems actions do speak louder than words, and my actions haven’t sent the right message. What does she have after years and years? She has a husband that lets her down and expects too much, a string of broken promises and heartache. She is tired, under appreciated, over taxed and expected to work miracles. She didn’t sign up for this either. She deserves a partner, a lover and a friend. She deserves a better husband.

I remember in High School, one day for some reason something happened and I made fun of my best friend for something. I was teasing, joking and didn’t mean anything by whatever stupid comments I made. I realize that it hurt our friendship. It was different after that, because you aren’t supposed to do that to those you love and care about. Now I am knocking on the door of my 20 year reunion. I haven’t spoken to him in at least 10 years probably 12 or 13. I was a jerk and lost a friend. It wasn’t fair, it was stupid, and he deserved a better friend.

I am expected to be with it, on top of things, the life of the party. Things usually work out because I have always made them work out. I have helped friends, loved ones and strangers. I try to be a good person. But in the end will any of that really matter if I disappoint my own friends and loved ones?

Why can’t I fix me?

Everyone, I am sorry and I will try better, no not try, I will do better. I have to because if I don’t then the things that matter most to me will be gone.

I don’t want to wake up one day sad and alone.

You all deserve a better friend, dad and husband.

Stick with me I am not there yet!

N.B.

Memorial Day!

I am still not quite sure what the proper greeting is on a Holiday like Memorial Day. It seems wrong to say, "Happy Memorial Day". It seems equally wrong to say, "Enjoy your Memorial Day". No matter what you are supposed to say I am excited for a day off and a four day work week!

While I am grateful for the many men and women that have died in the service of our country (Both of my Grandfathers served in WWII), and I am equally grateful for the many people that serve in the current conflicts, I have always associated the holiday with death.

Growing up it always meant a trip with my Grandma and Parents out to the cemetery, followed by a dinner at hometown buffet. I did enjoy cleaning and polishing the headstone, trimming the grass, and leaving flowers. I think I enjoyed the trip because I was able to remember what a great man my Grandpa Schmidt was. He was one of my best friends and he taught me so many life lessons! However in the end the day reminded me that he wasn't there with me anymore, I missed him and he was gone.

I remembered how much he helped me and how much he cared about me. He helped and served others and always did the right thing. People looked up to him, respected him and so did I.

On a recent flight to Florida, I stood stuck several people deep in the aisle as we were boarding the plane. I was frustrated, so were the other passengers, no one was moving. I looked ahead to see what the hold up was and saw a lady struggling with one child in her arms, a backpack, diaper bag and a suitcase. The baby was crying clearly not happy, she was frustrated trying to hold the baby in one hand lifting the suitcase with the other trying to put it in the overhead compartment. No one helped her. I even said to my wife, "Why won't anyone help her?"

The woman struggled, sat down in the aisle seat and put the baby in the middle seat, and let out a sigh of relief, finally movement. I was shocked when the person directly behind her said "excuse me, looks like I have the window seat." Are you freaking kidding me? That person sat there in the aisle directly behind the woman watching her struggle and didn't offer to help? Then she had the nerve to let the lady sit down only to ask her to get back up with her baby so that she could move to the middle seat. I couldn't believe it.

At the time I was shocked. I couldn't believe that anyone could have been that rude and inconsiderate. But in the weeks since that flight, I think that I have been more upset realizing that I didn't say anything or more importantly do anything. In my mind I said, "Why won't anyone help her." However, I didn't say it out loud and I didn't do anything to help. My Grandpa Ralph would never have let that happen! He would have told everyone else in front of him to either help her or to get out of the way so that he could. That is the kind of man he was. He taught me better and I failed.

Another week went by when I was sitting at the train station and something caught my eye laying in the middle of the train platform.



I realized that it was a dead bird. I watched as people all walked past it, side stepping it and yet no one did anything to move it out of the way, kick it to the side or off the platform. Nothing! There it sat in the middle of the walkway and everyone kept going around it pretending they didn't notice. The 5:58 AM train arrived, people shuttled into the open train doors as did I and the dead bird just sat there.

I realized that I had done the very same thing. I noticed it, I watched it, I took a picture of it. I even watched people move and dodge trying not to step on it and in the end I just climbed on the train, heading into work like it was something important, too important to do something meaningful.

So this Memorial Day I will once again think of death. I now live too far away to go to the cemetery and clean and polish the headstones. The day will yet again be a reminder that my Grandpa Ralph, one of my best friends, still won't be with me. However, this Memorial Day will be different. You see, I was reminded in the last month how he would have done things and how he would have handled things.

He taught me to be better than that.

Are we there yet? Am I there yet?

Unfortunately, I am not. But Grandpa, thank you for not only teaching but also showing me how to be a better man. On this day, this year, almost 17 years after you died, I am going to enjoy my Memorial Day. I think I am finally ready to think of life not death. To you and all those others that have given so much for me and my family. Thank you.

I will do better.

N.B.

P.S. Grandpa, I still miss you almost every day!

Do I look fat in these pants?

The other day we were hanging out with some friends when I made a comment, some wise crack (probably somewhat inappropriate) and one of them said, "I knew you were going to say that, you are so predictable."

It got me thinking (which has been a bit challenging lately) am I really that predictable? Do I consistently say, act or do things that people have come to expect? Can I even help myself? That question was answered for me this week.



Yep that's what I am eating on the train ride home almost every night. I Love the salty pretzels, DP is my favorite and I like peanut M&M's. You will notice that isn't the small bag either its the "tear and share" size. Just for the record let me break down the label's dirty secrets for you:

M&M’s (Peanut) - Tear and Share size - 3.27 Oz Serving size ½ pack, 2 servings. Two servings? Are you kidding me? I down those things like I heard there was a famine. Two servings? Great, now I have to do math to figure out how much bad is really in this yummy bag of good: Calories 480, Total Fat 24g, Sat. Fat 10g, Cholesterol 10mg, Sodium 40mg. And that is just the M&M's!
Rold Gold Pretzels - 3 1/8 oz. Serving size 1 oz, about 3 servings. Again are you kidding me? According to this package I am eating for a family. All the while thinking that it isn't that bad. This is killing me. Amount per serving: Calories 330, calories from Fat 30, Total Fat 3g, Sodium 1680mg. Holy Crap!
Diet Dr. Pepper - 20 fl Oz. serving size 1 cup, 2.5 servings, Calories, 0, Total Fat 0, Sodium 87.5mg. At least I switched to diet!

For the record that is 810 Calories, 27g of fat, and 1,807.5mg of Sodium. Seems like a lot, and I am pretty sure I am not burning that much off while I ride the train. If you are interested here is the link to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2005. It is published every five years. Maybe I should wait for the 2010 version. It might be better for me.

Um, I guess I am predictable. This is my steady diet on the way home from work. It rarely varies. I realized that since I always go to the same deli, I can tell you that it costs $4.61 and the Asian gentleman will only charge me $4.60. That he won't give me any napkins and I will have to reach over the scale to pick them up myself. He will however give me a straw. Ugh! I am a creature of habit. I am predictable.

So what do I do now? Well, everyday since I came to this realization I have tried to vary my route walking to the train. Trying to be a bit more spontaneous and creative. I also do not purchase the same items. I mean its for a family of three how can I possible eat that stuff now?

My eyes were opened and now I realize that maybe it wasn't my metabolism that is slowing down after I turned 30, or my lack of exercise, it's because I started eating for a family of four. No wonder my waist size has gone up an inch a year five years running. No wonder I have "aggressive pants" (I was actually asked if my pants were manufactured by Speedo one day at work).

An inch a year? If that isn't predictable growth I don't know what is. I know investors that would pay a lot of money for that consistency. My waist has gone from 30" to 35". I just went past parity in 2007, 35 waist, 34 length. Now that is sad. I used to secretly laugh at those guys when you could read the label on their 501's. Now I am the fat kid everyone is pointing at. I have to do something about it.

Yet another reminder that I am not there yet.

Heading out to rent Super Size Me, who's making the nachos?

N.B.

Women in my Life!

Happy Mother's Day! Here is a shout out to all those wonderful ladies in my life. I love and care about you.

First of all my Beautiful Wife who I cannot imagine living life without. You really are the best part of me and I don't tell you enough how much I really appreciate you. I know I take you for granted. You make it too easy because you are so good and take care of me and our family! It is you that makes our family what it is. You get more beautiful each year. I love to watch you sleep, play with the kids and help others. Sometimes I just sit back and watch you in action. I am amazed by you and humbled by you. You are my sweetie and I will forever be grateful for what you have given me.

My Mom. I get to live my dreams because you pushed me and sacrificed for me. You continue to put others especially me and my family above your own well being. Even now that I am grown and you could do anything you wanted to do, you choose to be with my family or to take care of us rather than yourself. I love to see how you now transfer that love and affection to my children. They may not realize it now but they are the luckiest grand kids in the world. They already know you are special. Little do they know that it only gets better with time!

My Friends Wives. How is it possible to have friends that can be so good to my family. How can you give so much to your own families and still have enough heart and love to spread it to me and my mine? In many ways you have become my family. You care about us, take care of us, and above all knowing my faults still love us. You put up with my rough edges and still love me anyway. You are excellent mother's that teach my children things I can't. More importantly you teach your children things that they can teach mine. We are a better family because of you.

I have often wondered if it was ever possible to love and appreciate another woman that you weren't married to. By watching the women that make a difference in me and in the life of my family I have learned it is possible. You each hold a special place in my heart and mind. You Rock! I (we) would be lost without you!

I know none of you will probably ever read this. (pretty good guess since no one knows this blog exists). Even if you do some day find this you probably won't know who it is anyway. I couldn't let this night go by without somehow acknowledging how much the women in my life mean to me. So whether you live in my house around the corner or 3000 miles away. Happy Mother's Day! Thank you, and I love you!

N.B.

It's Official I have entered the Blog World!

Well after some resistance I have finally entered this crazy world of blogging. I am not sure exactly what pushed me over the edge. I will leave the decision up to you.

Here are a few possible reasons:

1. Maybe I figured it was about time.
2. After stalking so many other people’s blogs it is time to return the favor.
3. I am really boring and have too much time on my hands.
4. Maybe I just need a place to vent or put my thoughts down on paper (blog).
5. I have lost the skill to write in any style that resembles a complete sentence.

I think that there is a bit of truth to each of these reasons. I feel like I am the only person without a blog. I mean even my kids have one. I love reading theirs and those of my friends. I check them on an almost daily basis, and while they are all different I appreciate each one for individual reasons. I realize that many if not all of them are much better, much cooler and more awesome than I am and they are all much closer to "being there" than I am.

The truth is I don't think that I am boring or that I have too much time on my hands, but I have been known to get into that never ending blog loop where you look up and realize that you have been sitting at the computer for an hour (ok its been two hours but its a blog and I can lie and say anything I want) and as far as too much time I could be doing any number of things at 12:37 AM like um...um...well I could be sleeping.

I do think that I need an outlet. Don't get me wrong, my wife and family are awesome. I am a very lucky man. My friends are equally fantastic, but there are just times when you need to get it out yourself, or maybe they aren't available. Plus I think that many times they probably tolerate me and would really rather be doing something else than listen the crap I am spreading around!

Lastly, I hardly think that anyone out there can or will ever get as much enjoyment from anything I may write as I probably have from theirs, but maybe this will keep me out of that never ending blog circle. I also think that it can't hurt my grammar, spelling and sentence structure. I have to get better if I am forced to put down in a coherent form something that someone else may read right?

Well let’s hope that this doesn't end up being a lesson in frustration or some phase that I go through. I would like to frequently post my thoughts and observations along this trip I call life. I hope it ends up containing some funny musings or observations, some personal thoughts and maybe even some lessons learned. It may turn into an online journal of sorts. I hope not, but you never know. Hopefully it helps me move a bit closer to "there". And for anyone that may ever read this, whatever "there" means to you, I hope it helps move you there too. Either with a smile, a laugh, maybe it is something you can relate to or something that you never want to be.

So just like when we were kids on a road trip in the car and we were incessantly bothering our parents, ask yourself that same question "Are we there yet?"

For me the answer is NO! and therein lies the reason for my blog.

N.B. (Naughty Bishop)